Stepping Into the Light
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For over 40 years, I have carried a secret.
Pornography.
Even writing that word makes me uncomfortable. I'm embarrassed by it. I'm ashamed of some of the choices I've made. And I'm afraid of what some people might think if they knew.
But I'm tired of hiding.
This isn't a success story. It's not a training lesson, and I'm not writing this because I've figured it out.
I haven't.
This is a confession.
For years, pornography was an escape for me. Something I turned to when I was lonely, stressed, tired, discouraged, or just wanted to shut everything else out. But the escape became a habit. The habit brought shame. And the shame often sent me right back to the same place. I've tried to stop before. I've made promises to God and to myself. I've had good intentions. I've felt genuinely sorry. And then I've fallen back into the same cycle.
Again I'm admitting that I can't keep doing this the same way.
I don't want this to be who I am.
I have struggled with porn addiction, but I don't want that struggle to become my identity.
I'm not proud of it, but I'm also learning that beating myself up hasn't made me free.
I've confused shame with conviction for a long time.
Shame has said, “This is who you are. You'll never change.”
Conviction says, “This isn't who you were meant to be. Come back.”
I've listened to shame for too long. Shame made me hide. And hiding made everything worse.
There is one verse I keep coming back to:
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
— Romans 8:1
I need that verse right now. Not as a slogan. Not as something that sounds good on a Christian T-shirt. I need it because I know what my mind sounds like after I fail:
You're a hypocrite.
You'll never change.
What's the point of trying again?
If people really knew you, they wouldn't think the same way about you.
Romans 8:1 reminds me that condemnation doesn't get the final word. That doesn't mean my sin doesn't matter. It doesn't mean I don't need to repent or change. It means I don't have to run from God when I fail. I can run toward Him.
There is now no condemnation.
Not when I finally get my act together. Not after I prove myself.
Now.
That's something I desperately need to believe. No more pretending I can do this alone. I've spent too much time thinking I could beat this with enough willpower. I couldn't. So I'm taking some real steps.
I've started a 30-day challenge through Freedom Fight. I'm putting boundaries around the things that have repeatedly led me down the wrong road. I'm paying more attention to the patterns—when I'm tired, lonely, stressed, isolated, or looking for an escape. And I'm looking forward to having an accountability partner. That scares me a little.
I've opened up several times in the past and have been shut down, shut up, ignored, shunned, you name it. Pastors even. They didn't know what to do with me. I don't blame them, I don't know what to do with me. Good thing God covers all that.
Whatever your "THAT" is God has you covered too. He's amazing!!
None of us need someone to police us or shame us. We need someone who will walk with, partner with and just be able to be with. Someone who will ask hard questions, pray with, call me out when I need it, and remind me of God's grace when I forget. If I stumble, I want to tell the truth instead of disappearing into shame.
I don't know what the next few months will look like. I wish I could say I've finally beaten this and everything is going to be different from here on out.
I can't.
What I do know is that I don't want to live in secrecy anymore. I want to learn to reach out before I fall, put the phone down when I need to, and be honest when I struggle instead of hiding it. I know I won't do everything perfectly. I just want to keep getting back up.
I'm learning that grace doesn't mean I can stay the same. It means I don't have to stay buried by my failures. I believe God already accepts me, and that gives me the courage to keep trying.
I don't just want to quit pornography. I want my private life to match my public life. I want to be honest, whole, and free, and I want my relationship with God to mean more to me than the escape I've chased for so many years.
So this is where I am.
Forty years into a struggle I should have had freedom from long ago. I'm not writing from the finish line. I'm still in it. I'm still learning, still afraid, and still carrying some shame.
But I'm done pretending I'm fine.
I'm bringing it into the light. I'm asking for help. I'm choosing accountability. I'm holding onto Romans 8:1 and trusting that God's grace is bigger than my failures.
I don't know where this road will take me.
I just know I want to keep moving toward freedom, honesty, healing, and Christ.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm willing to take the next step and trust:
God's got this!!
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
That's where I'm beginning again.
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